Destructoid has an amusing list of the 10 Golden Rules of Japanese RPG's. Though I'd say they left out "pointless side quests where you have to locate items for children or old women," it's still a pretty strong list.

A few entries that particularly ring true:

1: Always make your main character brooding, tortured and thoroughly unlikeable:

I always feel this way about halfway through "Final Fantasy" games. Like, yes, it's weird that you don't know your parents or were magically whisked away from your homeworld or the princess you have a crush on is engaged to a guy from another galaxy, but just bottle that stuff up and go back to fighting monsters, okay?

Also, anyone who remembers "Phantasy Star 2" will recall hero Rolf's dour, flat demeanor. He embarks on an outer space adventure with the same level of enthusiasm and verve as a trip to the bank and the cleaners.

3: Your main party of heroes must include at least three (preferably all) of the following: B. A self-styled lady's man who has a weakness for drink and women. He is always hilarious. E. A female who is intent on proving she is just as tough as men. Is in love with the main character.

I'm hoping that "hilarious" was used ironically in item B.

8: NPCs never lock their doors and let you wander around their homes:

Yeah, seriously. How come we're always stuck playing the role of a B&E expert? Everyone complains about "Grand Theft Auto," but Link's probably the most heinous smash-and-grab artist in video game history. I'm not sure I've ever played a game that required me to knock on doors throughout the village before inviting myself in to inspect any crates, vases or boxes filled with coins or potions that might be lying around.

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