OMG RPG

Today was a sad day for the Role Playing community, as the legendary co-creator of the original Dungeons & Dragons system, Gary Gygax, passed away at the age of 69. In honor of his passing, I have decided that now would be the perfect time to dispel some myths that have cropped up around the D&D Pen & Paper RP system over the years.

Before I get started, however, let me go over what D&D is for those who aren't familiar with Pen & Paper Role Playing, or have only heard of it in passing or in the punchline of some nerd-related joke.

Dungeons & Dragons was created by Mr. Gygax and Dave Arneson back in 1974 as a natural extension to the Chainmail table top miniature combat system. While Chainmail (and other table top games of the time) focused on the rules of engagement for massive armies of little pewter figures, Gary decided to create a more personalized gaming experience. Instead of focusing on the field of battle and moving units around in platoons, he wanted to focus on individual heroes, give them names, personalities, and motivations, and see how those heroes would react to various story-based situations and challenges.

The premise behind D&D is that one person, referred to as the DM or Dungeon Master, narrates a story featuring the hero characters, and the other players decide what actions those hero characters take. A full system of rules and statistics help provide guidelines for what a character can feasibly do and how well they do it, whether in combat or while interacting with the fictional world of the story. A set of dice of various sizes and shapes are used to introduce a randomness to events, in order to make the story and its outcome more interesting.

Now that we have established what Dungeons & Dragons is, it is time to take a look at the things that it is not. Continue reading after the break, where I critical hit you with my Sword of Stinging Truth +5 until you are forced to roll a constitution check or cry in a corner for 1d4 days.

Much like Grand Theft Auto, Dungeons & Dragons has been at the center of controversy off and on during the entire course of its existence. Instead of having the ever vigilant Jack Thompson as its arch nemesis, the attacks on D&D have come from a wide array of sources, most notably Pat Robertson of The 700 Club, and MADD (Mothers Against Dungeons & Dragons, not the ones against Drunk Driving, though the confusion is understandable.)

As with pretty much any topic that people decide to become "morally opposed" to, quite a bit of lies and misinformation have come into being. Add to that the effects of the wonderful social prejudice system we call "stereotyping," and we have mouldering troll-infested swamp of half-truths and full on falsehoods on what D&D is, and what it can do to you. Lets banish these demons one by one, shall we?

5. Its just a fad and will fade away like the hula hoop (you know, for kids...)

Completely wrong, Bucko. Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you. The Dungeons & Dragons system, as I previously mentioned, has been around since it was first published in 1974. Hell, that's longer then *I've* been around. It has gone through many iterations including Basic D&D, Advanced D&D, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3.5, and soon to be released 4th Edition rule sets, D&D Miniatures, a metric crap ton of video games for PC, Arcade, and Console, and Super Hyper Turbo Championship Edition. Okay, I made one of those up. But still, if you haven't gotten the hint yet that it isn't going to fade away any time soon, you may want to resign yourself from the human race now before your card is pulled on grounds of rampant and incurable gullibility.

4. It is only for socially inept white virgin males

This is what Louis Black calls a "Liar, Liar, pants on fire situation." Dungeons & Dragons has been slapped with this misaligned stereotype for pretty much as long as it has been around. In actuality, more people have played D&D then would ever admit to it, and the reason they don't admit to it is for fear of being lumped in to the same stereotype with the awkward and the loveless. In my time playing D&D, I've adventured with representatives of pretty much every race, creed, and gender. In addition to that, many celebrities are admitted D&D players, including Stephen Colbert, Vin Diesel, and Brad Pitt.* All three of these famous men ooze celebrity coolness, the kind that doesn't wash off in just one wash cycle. Keep that in mind the next time you go making fun of the kids at the local comic shop -- one of them could be the next Riddick. You have been warned.

*I have no actual proof that Brad Pitt has ever played D&D, but wouldn't it be awesome if he did? Chicks dig Brad Pitt.

3.You have to dress up in medieval garb (or at least a cape and a wizard's hat) to play

There is a separate offshoot of Pen and Paper Role Playing that's known as LARP'ing (Live Action Role Playing.) These are the people that dress up in costume, and throw bean bags at each other yelling "My arcane blast doth smite thee!" or some such Ren Faire-inspired playacting. In reality, that is a far cry from the actual attire of a D&D player, which is normally a t-shirt and jeans. Playing D&D takes a couple hours of sitting around a table or on a couch, and it's often in your best interest to be as comfortable as possible (within the boundaries of decency, of course.) Wearing a cape, a cowl, a wizard hat or your favorite short sword to a local D&D game would most likely get you laughed out of the building. Not to mention that it would totally clash with your purple Bag of Holding and Elven Talisman of Altoid Containment.

2.It teaches you how to perform real life magic

Oh please. You learn about as much about "real life" magic from a D&D game as you do about aquatic life from watching Spongebob Squarepants. When playing a magic using character, you pick and choose what "spells" your character learns from a list of such titles as "Magic Missile" and "Fireball," and casting your chosen spells is simply a matter of telling the DM that "I cast Fireball." If you honestly think that saying "I cast Fireball" has any connection with the real life practices of witchcraft and occult ritual, then I don't think the D&D player is the person we should be worrying about here. Do me a favor and hold real still while I call the nice young men with the pretty white jacket for you to try on. I'm sure it will be just your size.

1.It leads to Satanism

Ah, here is the big one. A topic so vast that I actually wrote my high school senior thesis on it. I'll spare you all the long-winded details and tell you straight out, D&D has about as much connection to Satanism as Martha Stewart. The first few versions of the game were given a lot of hate by Christian groups for listing Demons among the monsters you can fight in the game. Later editions bent to this peer pressure, and removed the use of the word "Demon" in favor for the less controversial "Fiend," but later still they realized what silly, wishy-washy twits they were being and changed the moniker back. Whether called Demons, Fiends, or Hellacious Not-Nice Thingies, It really doesn't matter; the source books that mention them aren't talking about worshipping them, or Satan, or anything else for that matter. They are provided as a possible creature for the DM to have the adventurers face, and that is all. I bet if you go to your local library, you will find countless books containing the word Demon, including the Holy Bible that Christianity founds itself upon. Let that one sink in a moment; It's a biggie.

And now that we have that out of the way, let us all bow to the Dark Goddess, Martha Stewart, and sacrifice this Roasted Brined Turkey with Riesling Gravy and Sweet Potato Spoon Bread in her unholy name. Amen.