#7
Red Arrow
Headquarters: Hong Kong, China
Right away, Red Arrow begs to be punched in the stomach. It's the sloppy, dweeb belt that does it. In general, Mr. Arrow sports a rather slovenly, pillowesque image, like he is made out of laundry. And although our Chinese is a little weak, we're pretty sure his little sign reads "Hi. Wedgies are welcome. My belt is loose to make you angry. If it wouldn't be too much trouble for you, we'd like you to punch me in the stomach when you get a chance." Additionally, Red Arrow's mask doesn't even come close to allowing any sort of livable peripheral vision for normal life, let alone the sort of super hero sight required to do super hero stuff. Like run through traffic. Again, allowing for easy and swift wedgies and walloping punches to his mid-section.
#6
Polar Man
Headquarters: Canada
It wouldn't be a Ridiculous Super Hero list without the Canadians weighing in. The only thing more detrimental to Polar Man's super hero visage than his awkward spread eagle stance, is his prissy little arm purse. Perhaps holding all of his neat little Canadian gadgets? Seriously what's in there? Bottled water? Brian Adams CDs? To make matters worse, Polar Man resembles some sort of Ninja Turtles foot-soldier who's gone MIA up in the snow. Foot-soldiers, as the brilliant Ninja Turtles films have shown us, are some of the most beat-up-abble villains on the planet. They cringe if you wave a fishing pole at them. Polar Man isn't exactly a Polar Bear killer in Canada, either. His profile describes his super hero activity thusly: "Polar Man shovels elders' steps and walkways." Perhaps "Polar Man" is really just a guy working off a light felony with community service hours, and spicing it up along the way?
#5
Mr. Silent.
Headquarters: Indianapolis, Indiana
Just when you thought mimes were mere peaceful, irritating people who plague parks everywhere, here we have a man who has taken it to super hero heights. While it's worth noting that "silence" is a viable super hero trait, it's also worth noting that speech is pretty useful too. This should be a rule of thumb for super heroes: never create a super power that deletes a normal human function. Crawling Man would be a similar example. Picture the scene: a bad guy has set fire to a church, and Mr. Silent is on the spot in no time. He rescues all the women and children, and then begins to mime out the question "did you get a look at the villain," much to the crowd's general irritation. He is also useless on the phone.
#4
Whitley's Batman & Robin
Resembles: Two douches in jammies
These two blokes aren't only unoriginal, they're in the wrong country. Guys, Batman and Robin aren' like Starbucks. They're not a chain. There's only one. If Batman was a chain, it wouldn't be K-Mart grade outfit time. And while we aren't sure of the crime rate in Whitley, we're pretty sure it aint no Gotham City. Whitley sounds like a place known for tea, grandmothers, knitting, and prancing aristocrats in white pants. Not droves of evil bad ass dudes. Whitley is a place you go for a bike ride or a picnic. Which does seem to suit their activities, which they describe as "helping stranded motorists and light crime fighting." We wonder though what "light crime fighting" refers to in Whitley. Thwarting evil neighborhood kittens, perhaps. Or maybe resolving angry senior chess games at the park. Whitley is surely teeming with villainous intrigue.
#3
Firebird
Headquarters: Ocala, Florida AND Lowell, Massachusetts
The first thing you need to know about Firebird, is that according to her profile she commutes over 1,200 miles up and down the east coast to fight crime. While dedication is admirable, this seems like the equivalent of Batman passing out flyers, i.e. trying to hard. Batman would be to cool for that shit. You want to be a bad guy, then come to Gotham, bitch. The true super hero is stationary, like a gargoyle. This is one reason you'll never see Spider-Man at the airport. And to be honest, we wonder if by "fight crime" Firebird actually means "serve beer in two different all-night truck diners," because that seems more likely here. We don't doubt that Firebird could do some damage...to drunk bitches fighting over the juke box at a saloon. Yes, Firebird has "AC/DC concert security" written all over her.
#2
Angle Grinder Man
Headquarters: England
Profile quote: "Angle-grinder Man patrols by night looking for unhappy drivers who have been clamped and then sets their cars free. My obsession with wheel-clamping is actually a rebellion against a much deeper malaise& the arrogant contempt that politicians hold for the people who put them into power, and whom they claim to represent."
Unlike the other super heroes on this list, Angle Grinder Man has chosen a very specific area of expertise: liberating your car. Now, while at first this seems mind-shatteringly bad ass, after thinking about it for a moment, it misses the logic train by about two minutes. If you've been visited by Angle Grinder Man, the car-clamp fairy, and are free to drive to work, this does nothing to remove the excess parking fines from your record, or the authority's knowledge of your two-hundred unpaid parking tickets. In fact, you may be more in trouble than you were before. The clamp shall return, friends. In Angle Grinder Man's view, he would be providing a similar "service" if he broke into your mail box and threw away all of your bills.
#1
Nostrum
Headquarters: Louisiana
It's actually a bit of sad irony that Nostrum looks like Darkman. We'll cut right to the chase here. This crazy son of a bitch lost an eye in the super hero service. I'll say that again because it bears repeating. This, here, crazy bastard had one of his eyes removed from his head while being a super hero. There's one villain with a story. "I'll be watching you," his profile reads. Aww...We actually know nothing else about Nostrum, other than he believes in "moral absolutism" and fights crime. We know one thing for sure though. It's probably safe at this point for the super hero registry to go ahead and switch his activity level from "unconfirmed" on over to a hard, resolute "confirmed." You can doubt a super hero for many reasons, but not after they go pirate style ape shit and start losing eyes. Nostrum, you're fully legit in my eyes. I mean...book, in my book. Sorry
